Funny Quotes
“Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow Internet to see who they really are.”
“I no doubt deserved my enemies, but I don't believe I deserved my friends.”
“Here’s some advice: At a job interview, tell them you’re willing to give 110 percent. Unless the job is a statistician.”
“Age is something that doesn't matter, unless you are a cheese.”
“Here’s something to think about: How come you never see a headline like ‘Psychic Wins Lottery’?”
— Jay Leno
“This suspense is terrible. I hope it will last.”
“Accept who you are. Unless you’re a serial killer.”
“I've always wanted to go to Switzerland to see what the army does with those wee red knives.”
“Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?.”
“WWine is constant proof that God loves us and loves to see us happy.”
“Never put off till tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow just as well.”
“Anyone who lives within their means suffers from a lack of imagination.”
“I have an unfortunate personality.”
“A government that robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the support of Paul.”
“Reality continues to ruin my life.”
“I'd like to kiss ya, but I just washed my hair.”
“If God wanted us to fly, He would have given us tickets.”
“Never miss a good chance to shut up.”
“Puns are the highest form of literature.”
“I live in my own little world. But its ok, they know me here.”
“Only the mediocre are always at their best.”
“Life is pleasant. Death is peaceful. It's the transition that's troublesome.”
“Opera is when a guy gets stabbed in the back and, instead of bleeding, he sings.”
“Everything I like is either illegal, immoral or fattening.”
“I have a new philosophy. I'm only going to dread one day at a time.”
“A Penny Saved is a Penny Earned.”
“The funniest people are the saddest ones.”
“The human body is the best work of art.”
“Do not worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older it will avoid you.”
“Do not worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older it will avoid you.”
“Never trust people who smile constantly. They're either selling something or not very bright.”
“Every time I see an adult on a bicycle, I no longer despair for the future of the human race.”
“Ah coffee. The sweet balm by which we shall accomplish today's tasks.”
“Cultivate your curves - they may be dangerous but they won't be avoided.”
— Mae West
“I love Mickey Mouse more than any woman I have ever known.”
“I used to jog but the ice cubes kept falling out of my glass.”
“When life gives you lemons, chunk it right back.”
“Rejection is an opportunity for your selection.”
“Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.”
“Society is like a stew. If you don't stir it up every once in a while then a layer of scum floats to the top.”
“Telling an introvert to go to a party is like telling a saint to go to Hell.”
“Gambling: The sure way of getting nothing for something.”
“The planet is fine. The people are fucked.”
“To be or not to be. That's not really a question.”
“Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.”
