Billy Connolly
Scottish Comedian , Born November 24, 1942
“Don't tell me how to do my job. I don't come to your workplace and tell you how to sweep up.”
“Never trust a man who, when left alone in a room with a tea cozy, doesn't try it on.”
“Before you judge a man, walk a mile in his shoes. After that who cares? He's a mile away and you've got his shoes!”
“Heckling is an act of cowardice. If you want to speak, get up in front of the microphone and speak, don't sit in the dark hiding. It's easy to hide and shout and waste people's time.”
“The desire to be a politician should bar you for life from ever becoming one.”
“I think my securities far outweigh my insecurities. I am not nearly as afraid of myself and my imagination as I used to be.”
“Never trust people who've only got one fucking book.”
“I have been made redundant before and it is a terrible blow; redundant is a rotten word because it makes you think you are useless.”
“I loved Japan. I used to read a lot about it when I was a child. And I always wanted to go. And it was delightful. I absolutely loved it. What a smashing place.”
“My definition of an intellectual is someone who can listen to the William Tell Overture without thinking of the Lone Ranger.”
“My parents used to take me to the pet department and tell me it was a zoo.”
“There are two seasons in Scotland: June and Winter”
“life can be tough, and you either give up and moan about it, or you have a go at it.”
“Even though everybody knows that when you light up a cigarette God takes an hour off your life and gives it to Keith Richards.”
